Sidelined, Part 2

A while back, I posted about becoming sidelined when I broke my foot. It wasn’t just a blow to my mobility; it affected me in ways I didn’t see coming.

Well, today, I had my first progress update, a full six weeks since the incident. I was told in the beginning that this would be a slow-to-heal injury. But, somehow I still had higher expectations for today’s report. I was hoping for a change, like being able to use it a bit, an end date for treatment… something. Instead, all I got was to do more of the same- for another entire month!

The first month has oozed by like molasses. (I doubt the second will be any better.) I still haven’t gotten used to being at someone’s mercy. The alternate way of accomplishing anything has not gotten easier- it has gotten more cumbersome and annoying. My purpose, my place in the family, still feels as if it has been stripped away. I may as well be put on a shelf and ignored, because watching everyone go about life without you makes you feel utterly useless and forgotten. Good times.

There are things I want to do that I have been waiting on until I am better. Until I can do them without having to figure out how to maneuver to be able to make it happen. But now, with the prognosis of still more than a month being down, I feel I should just resign myself to living life in this broken state. Just suck it up and accept it. But I don’t want to. It feels like giving up, even though my brain says it’s moving on.

I don’t want to make this who I am now.

Then, my overthinking brain likes to stress about the future and all of its unknowns. Will I need to re-learn how to walk? The muscle atrophy alone is bothersome. Will that include some sort of therapy? Will it be hard to get back into driving? I can’t imagine that will start off smoothly after no pressure being put on my ankle for so long. Will I once again become the anchor of the family, or will everyone hold on to the new normal because they like it better?? ……..

Either way, I’m worried this will spark another bout of depression lows. Better buckle the safety belt, and keep all arms and legs inside the ride. Here we go! 🎢

 


Have you ever had to adjust the way you live day-to-day? How did you cope, or maintain normalcy?

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Days To Come…

Struggling to keep the anxiety at bay today. Worried about the upcoming week because my husband will be out of town for all of it. Not looking forward to dealing with everything on my own, considering I’m still sidelined.

Taking care of your own kids is one thing. But taking care of someone else’s- teenagers, at that- is a whole other beast! My position is at a disadvantage in more ways than one. =/

Maybe the stress of the upcoming situation is why my thoughts have been able to overrun my mind lately. Ruminating is in full effect, quite possibly making me act a little crazy. Of course, don’t think so. Everything seems pretty logical to me. But that’s what “others” tell me.

It sucks when you can’t escape the stress of your own mind. All you can do is distract yourself. Time for another Netflix episode!

 


What is your go-to method of distraction??

 

So Much For That

I started this day off right. I was in a good mood, still fueled by yesterday’s progress. I felt rested, had some coffee, and everything was going smoothly. I glanced into the computer room and saw the sunlight bursting through the blinds (I love sunlight; it makes me feel happy!). It was so inviting, so I took the bait.

Sitting down to the computer, I opened all the blinds in the room. I had thoughts of productivity, mentally making plans for the day. I thought to myself “today is gonna be good”. My silly dog was running around the room chasing all of the light reflections on the walls. It was annoying, but I didn’t care because I was digging the atmosphere.

I began to go through my calendar, making updates as necessary. I was looking for some information I know I had already stored. As I searched back, I saw some stuff that never got deleted. I decided to clean things up a bit in the effort to save space on my phone. I scrolled further back to try and start at the beginning. As I went through the old appointments and notes, I inadvertently stepped into a past world.

Some of the items brought a smile to my face. My brain was eager to stroll down memory lane as I was reminded of the time when my daughter was born. Some of the items were surprising. I had forgotten (blocked out?) some of the details of one of the most tumultuous years of my life. I shook my head as I thought “I’m glad all that is over with”. I marveled at the fact I had made it through so much, and was shocked that just a handful of years could feel like a lifetime ago.

Suddenly, one of the dogs barked at something they saw outside the window next to me. (I have a Great Dane. She’s LOUD!) I was so lost in thought, and the house was so quiet. The noise scared the shit out of me and, like a bolt of lightening, I was instantly enraged. I began irrationally screaming at the dogs to leave the room, and the next thing I know I am sobbing on my desk. Wtf?!?

It was like one of those slow-mo moments in a movie, or an out of body experience. In the back of my head, I knew the situation didn’t warrant that kind of reaction. While it was happening, I was even thinking “This is crazy. I’m acting crazy.” But that didn’t stop me from screaming. I felt like I was watching myself from afar.

I guess I was really reacting to the emotional stuff I was looking through. But I didn’t realize that at the time. I didn’t feel the shift in my mood as I was reading. I had no warning of what was coming. One moment I’m sitting there calmly (and trying to be positive, don’t forget). And the next, I’m overcome with… everything. All the bad memories that accompanied my tumultuous year came flooding back. All the bad feelings. All the hurt and regret.

The subconscious is a sneaky bastard. Always working behind the scenes… jerking the puppet strings at will. Fuck you, subconscious.

Now, as I look around the room (back in the present), everything seems a little dimmer. A little lonelier. My enthusiasm has been completely dashed. I don’t know how to recapture it. I’m left with the remnants of sadness and uneasiness. I feel empty. It’s not even 9am.

The day started out with so much promise. My actions were so innocent… I couldn’t have foreseen the downfall of looking through a stupid calendar. Nothing is safe.

Excuse me while I go attempt to salvage my day. And by salvage, I mean escape.

 

 


Can you relate?

Sidelined

I was doing better for a while. I think. I was exercising routinely and eating healthier. Focusing on being more positive. Reaching some goals I had set for myself…

Until I broke my foot.

Now I can’t drive, I struggle to move around and accomplish simple tasks. Everything is harder now… cooking, bathing, getting dressed, carrying things, and even crossing the room. I’m trapped in my own house, forced to rely on others (difficult for my independent self). I feel like my identity has been stripped away. I’m the stay-at-home mom, and I can barely do the mom/housewife things. Ever try sweeping a floor on crutches??

I tried to remain positive at first. Looked at it as a much needed break from the daily grind. An acceptable excuse to take it easy for a bit. Then I found out I would be sidelined for 2+ months. It only took a few days for the cabin fever and frustration to set in.

And just like that, all my progress and good momentum was halted. My plans derailed. I wasn’t prepared for the new bout of depression that would accompany my situation. It came hard and fast.

My days are now spent sleeping and watching Netflix. Sounds like a dream, but it gets boring and monotonous. And it’s lonely. What’s the point in changing clothes everyday? I don’t do anything or go anywhere. What’s the point in participating in family activities? They move on whether I’m there or not.

I watch the gorgeous weather from the window, unable to partake. Being like this makes me realize how much I’m not needed. My existence no longer seems to have a purpose. And I’m not sure how much I’m even missed- aside from making other people’s lives easier by doing tasks such as chauffeuring kids through their busy lives. I feel like nothing.

And I was doing so well. Fuck.

I keep telling myself that I will accomplish something tomorrow. Place some phone calls I’ve been putting off, pull out a craft, or research something on the internet. But that “Next Episode” button is too easy to press and it compliments my complete lack of energy perfectly.

Oh well. Maybe tomorrow….

 


Ever have a break in your routine that completely got you off-course? How did you fight it?