The Brass Ring

As I rode down the street I used to travel every day, I tilted my head up to take in the view. The beautiful canopy trees reached out from both sides of the street as if they were playing the childhood game ‘London Bridge’ with the passing cars. The air was warm and the sun was bright. I missed this.

This street made my heart happy. I enjoyed living in this town and would happily go back. I was amazed that after so long I could still get the same feeling I did the first time I drove down this road. I can remember it so clearly.

I had lived here for several years. And the sad truth is, that feeling faded while I did. It became normal. The same view day after day, as I drove home after a stressful day of work. It was hard to capture the magic during rush hour traffic, coming off a 1-2 hour commute. I stopped pausing to look up.

It’s human nature to get distracted by life or caught up in the details. The magic is still there, but you forget how to see it. Maybe happiness is in the big picture. How often do we think to ourselves “If I could just live here..” or “If I just had this…” or “If I were just…”. But even if you had those things, there too, would come a day when you get used to it. The excitement fades. The newness wears off. It becomes normal. It won’t always feel the same as it did when you were looking in from the outside.

I feel that when people are depressed they tend to view life in this way. A magical setting or situation that would be the cure to all that ails them. Failing to realize that the picture can’t sustain itself. It’s either a warped view of reality, or something else is missing that we aren’t able to see.

Are our expectations just so high that we don’t realize what we have when it’s right in front of us?? Does “happiness” turn out to be a disappointment, never living up to the image we had in our heads? Or is it the missing piece that makes the perfect situation still seem empty?

What are we missing? What is the invisible wall that blocks us from the life others are living? Why are we outside the box? What is so hard about feeling an emotion?? We have plenty of them (all the bad ones)! It doesn’t make sense.

Depression is an illness, a mental condition. It is not controllable; occasionally manageable, at best. It’s not a switch you can flip on or off. It’s a mental state that runs your life regardless of what you try to do, or how you try to think. Depression is bigger than you.

Chasing happiness in the midst of depression is like looking for that brass ring to grab onto. Sometimes you get your fingers on it, but they slip off again before you can really hang on. šŸŽ 

 


Thoughts?

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Sidelined, Part 2

A while back, I posted about becomingĀ sidelinedĀ when I broke my foot. It wasn’t just a blow to my mobility; it affected me in ways I didn’t see coming.

Well, today, I had my first progress update, a full six weeks since the incident. I was told in the beginning that this would be a slow-to-heal injury. But, somehow I still had higher expectations for today’s report. I was hoping for a change, like being able to use it a bit, an end date for treatment… something. Instead, all I got was to do more of the same- for another entire month!

The first month has oozed by like molasses. (I doubt the second will be any better.) I still haven’t gotten used to being at someone’s mercy. The alternate way of accomplishing anything has not gotten easier- it has gotten more cumbersome and annoying. My purpose, my place in the family, still feels as if it has been stripped away. I may as well be put on a shelf and ignored, because watching everyone go about life without you makes you feel utterly useless and forgotten. Good times.

There are things I want to do that I have been waiting on until I am better. Until I can do them without having to figure out how to maneuver to be able to make it happen. But now, with the prognosis of still more than a month being down, I feel I should just resign myself to living life in this broken state. Just suck it up and accept it. But I don’t want to. It feels like giving up, even though my brain says it’s moving on.

I don’t want to make this who I am now.

Then, my overthinking brain likes to stress about the future and all of its unknowns. Will I need to re-learn how to walk? The muscle atrophy alone is bothersome. Will that include some sort of therapy? Will it be hard to get back into driving? I can’t imagine that will start off smoothly after no pressure being put on my ankle for so long. Will I once again become the anchor of the family, or will everyone hold on to the new normal because they like it better?? ……..

Either way, I’m worried this will spark another bout of depression lows. Better buckle the safety belt, and keep all arms and legs inside the ride. Here we go! šŸŽ¢

 


Have you ever had to adjust the way you live day-to-day? How did you cope, or maintain normalcy?

Days To Come…

Struggling to keep the anxiety at bay today. Worried about the upcoming week because my husband will be out of town for all of it. Not looking forward to dealing with everything on my own, considering I’m still sidelined.

Taking care of your own kids is one thing. But taking care of someone else’s- teenagers, at that- is a whole other beast! My position is at a disadvantage in more ways than one. =/

Maybe the stress of the upcoming situation is why my thoughts have been able to overrun my mind lately. Ruminating is in full effect, quite possibly making me act a little crazy. Of course, don’t think so. Everything seems pretty logical to me. But that’s what “others” tell me.

It sucks when you can’t escape the stress of your own mind. All you can do is distract yourself. Time for another Netflix episode!

 


What is your go-to method of distraction??

 

Reflections On Happiness

I haven’t written in several days. At first, it was because of a lack of privacy. While having others around, however, it was easier to get absorbed into various activities and even enjoy them a bit. When having a good time, it’s hard to break from that and write about depression. A good mood is such a fragile state that you don’t want to chance anything ruining it. So you run with it. My apologies.

I had a few good days. That’s not to say that theĀ entireĀ day was good. I’m not sure a depression-free day ever truly happens for me. There seems to always be something hiding behind the curtain, waiting to pop out.Ā A simple “good day” doesn’t seem like too much to ask for. But when you get so close you can taste it, and the day is once again marred by depression, you begin to feel as if you must be punished for having fun.

Happiness sometimes feels surreal.Ā It’s as if you’re borrowing someone else’s (a happy person’s) life and just renting it for the day. Just to get a taste of what it’s like. But the happiness isn’t truly yours. You don’t belong there because it’s not who you really are. Who are you trying to fool? You know better. Stop pretending.

Some of the “good” days were just… days. Notable only for their lackĀ of bleeding emotions. While it was nice to notĀ have an emotional meltdown for once, it was this kind of day I found truly disturbing. You see, without something good happening to make a day stand out in the opposite (positive) way, the entire day becomes colorless. All the motions are mundane. You feel empty with nothing to look forward to. At least with the crazy emotions of depression there’s a vibrancy to life. You’re alive because you are feeling something; even when it’s bad. It’s scary to think that all this time I’ve been chasing happiness, only to find out it could really be nothingness. What a disappointment that would be.

But maybe this, too, is the depression talking. Maybe what I thought was a “normal” day was still a bad one… just higher up on the happiness scale. Maybe I wasn’t as close to feeling what others feel as I thought I was. Maybe there’s more. I can only hope.

——

As I look around me watching others go about their day, they don’t seem to struggle like me. They don’t look like they are just waiting for time to pass, like me. They don’t seem to have to try as hard to grasp onto something that makes them feel good. It has to be me. There’s more. I believe that.

Now if I could just figure out how to get there……

 


What is happiness to you? How does it feel?