Yay Me!

Giving myself a pat on the back today, because I was (mildly) productive! I finally made some calls, scheduled some appointments, and made some plans. I’ve had these ‘To Do’ items in my calendar for weeks and just kept pushing them back. But today I completed them! Yay me!

Not sure what was different about today. Don’t know what the magical recipe was that finally made these things happen. Even if I figured it out, there’s no guarantee it would work the same the next time. That’s the sucky thing about depression. There’s no constant fix.

Maybe it was the fact that I had mentally been psyching myself up to do these tasks for so long. Maybe it was the guilt of failing day after day. Maybe it was the fact that I have someone in the house with me today and I was feeding off other energy. Whatever it is, I’m grateful. Because getting those things done lifts an invisible weight off my shoulders and makes me feel better about myself. Even if for only a few hours.

I should probably explain that I’m also an introvert with social anxiety. So something as simple as making a phone call, and interacting with unfamiliar people, can be an extremely daunting task. A mere minute can feel like a lifetime! Believe me, I know how crazy that sounds. It just a phone call. Big deal, right? But in my world it’s huge. Because it’s scary, and unknown/unplanned. I’m awkward in the moment. I prefer to have things planned out- right down to what I may need to say.

One of the conversations did go off-course. I froze and started to panic, struggling to think of what to say. I’d had everything planned out, and now I suddenly had to plan on the fly- without a nearby calendar. I finally managed to get out “I’ll have to call back”. The lady on the phone was very nice and patient. That helped.

I survived.

Now the best I can hope for is that my good mood remains and doesn’t tank before the day is out. Not very likely when wading through depression. But for now, I’m gonna ride this wave! =)

 


What have you accomplished recently that made you feel good?? (Big, small, or minuscule; because every accomplishment in the face of depression is something to celebrate!)

 

 

 

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Sidelined

I was doing better for a while. I think. I was exercising routinely and eating healthier. Focusing on being more positive. Reaching some goals I had set for myself…

Until I broke my foot.

Now I can’t drive, I struggle to move around and accomplish simple tasks. Everything is harder now… cooking, bathing, getting dressed, carrying things, and even crossing the room. I’m trapped in my own house, forced to rely on others (difficult for my independent self). I feel like my identity has been stripped away. I’m the stay-at-home mom, and I can barely do the mom/housewife things. Ever try sweeping a floor on crutches??

I tried to remain positive at first. Looked at it as a much needed break from the daily grind. An acceptable excuse to take it easy for a bit. Then I found out I would be sidelined for 2+ months. It only took a few days for the cabin fever and frustration to set in.

And just like that, all my progress and good momentum was halted. My plans derailed. I wasn’t prepared for the new bout of depression that would accompany my situation. It came hard and fast.

My days are now spent sleeping and watching Netflix. Sounds like a dream, but it gets boring and monotonous. And it’s lonely. What’s the point in changing clothes everyday? I don’t do anything or go anywhere. What’s the point in participating in family activities? They move on whether I’m there or not.

I watch the gorgeous weather from the window, unable to partake. Being like this makes me realize how much I’m not needed. My existence no longer seems to have a purpose. And I’m not sure how much I’m even missed- aside from making other people’s lives easier by doing tasks such as chauffeuring kids through their busy lives. I feel like nothing.

And I was doing so well. Fuck.

I keep telling myself that I will accomplish something tomorrow. Place some phone calls I’ve been putting off, pull out a craft, or research something on the internet. But that “Next Episode” button is too easy to press and it compliments my complete lack of energy perfectly.

Oh well. Maybe tomorrow….

 


Ever have a break in your routine that completely got you off-course? How did you fight it?