I Survived Mother’s Day!

Holidays can be really hard when you suffer from depression. The expectations, the “forced” gatherings, the millions of triggered thoughts that go along with it… It’s easy for us to get lost in our thoughts and find new reasons to mentally beat ourselves up.

However, I’m happy to report that I made it out alive! The negative thoughts were there, but the good overpowered them in the end.

The Good

My daughter was super-sweet. She drew me a card and gave me gifts that she made at school. I was able to go to a nice brunch with my parents. My step-kids had gifts for me when I got home. My husband even did some housework for me, and made a point to give me extra hugs! And I swear my pets knew something was up, because they all seemed a little more lovey that day. =) I was also able to face time my brother from overseas; he’s always so thoughtful.

The Bad

My anxiety was boiling up before the brunch. I don’t usually wear dresses and I was feeling super self-conscious about it. I couldn’t even wear a shoe that matched because of being on crutches; all my nicer shoes had heels which just seemed like a bad idea. I was starting to panic about having to cross the dining room on crutches with everybody staring at me (a shy, introvert’s nightmare!), not to mention getting a plate of food! As we headed out, all I wanted to do was to get the morning over with.

Upon returning from brunch, the step-kids were back home from grandmas house. I never know what to expect from the moody teens so I just wanted to go hide in my bedroom. There were colorful packages sitting on the counter, but I brushed past them pretending not to see. I felt really awkward about receiving gifts from them on Mother’s Day. I’m not their mom. And I felt even worse that they didn’t send anything to theirs (totally their choice). I was worried they felt obligated in some way, and I didn’t want them to feel pressured.

After recent weeks of feeling really unappreciated, the bad thoughts started to swarm. I told myself they only got me something because their grandma had pushed them to. I told myself that nobody really cared. The days leading up to the holiday I had told myself that my forgetful husband wouldn’t even pay attention to the holiday because he was preoccupied with the trip he was on all last week. I didn’t have high expectations for this day.

The Conclusion

Overall, the day turned out well. I counted my blessings and was thankful for the love from my family. As you can see, even a good day doesn’t go by without a million mini-battles (I didn’t even mention all of them!). Depression is a fight. Every. Single. Day. I don’t know how the good managed to come out on top this time. I’m just glad it did.

 


Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms that are fighting to get through the day! I hope you found at least a tiny bit of peace. 💝

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Sidelined, Part 2

A while back, I posted about becoming sidelined when I broke my foot. It wasn’t just a blow to my mobility; it affected me in ways I didn’t see coming.

Well, today, I had my first progress update, a full six weeks since the incident. I was told in the beginning that this would be a slow-to-heal injury. But, somehow I still had higher expectations for today’s report. I was hoping for a change, like being able to use it a bit, an end date for treatment… something. Instead, all I got was to do more of the same- for another entire month!

The first month has oozed by like molasses. (I doubt the second will be any better.) I still haven’t gotten used to being at someone’s mercy. The alternate way of accomplishing anything has not gotten easier- it has gotten more cumbersome and annoying. My purpose, my place in the family, still feels as if it has been stripped away. I may as well be put on a shelf and ignored, because watching everyone go about life without you makes you feel utterly useless and forgotten. Good times.

There are things I want to do that I have been waiting on until I am better. Until I can do them without having to figure out how to maneuver to be able to make it happen. But now, with the prognosis of still more than a month being down, I feel I should just resign myself to living life in this broken state. Just suck it up and accept it. But I don’t want to. It feels like giving up, even though my brain says it’s moving on.

I don’t want to make this who I am now.

Then, my overthinking brain likes to stress about the future and all of its unknowns. Will I need to re-learn how to walk? The muscle atrophy alone is bothersome. Will that include some sort of therapy? Will it be hard to get back into driving? I can’t imagine that will start off smoothly after no pressure being put on my ankle for so long. Will I once again become the anchor of the family, or will everyone hold on to the new normal because they like it better?? ……..

Either way, I’m worried this will spark another bout of depression lows. Better buckle the safety belt, and keep all arms and legs inside the ride. Here we go! 🎢

 


Have you ever had to adjust the way you live day-to-day? How did you cope, or maintain normalcy?

Days To Come…

Struggling to keep the anxiety at bay today. Worried about the upcoming week because my husband will be out of town for all of it. Not looking forward to dealing with everything on my own, considering I’m still sidelined.

Taking care of your own kids is one thing. But taking care of someone else’s- teenagers, at that- is a whole other beast! My position is at a disadvantage in more ways than one. =/

Maybe the stress of the upcoming situation is why my thoughts have been able to overrun my mind lately. Ruminating is in full effect, quite possibly making me act a little crazy. Of course, don’t think so. Everything seems pretty logical to me. But that’s what “others” tell me.

It sucks when you can’t escape the stress of your own mind. All you can do is distract yourself. Time for another Netflix episode!

 


What is your go-to method of distraction??