Home » The Lows » So Much For That

So Much For That

I started this day off right. I was in a good mood, still fueled by yesterday’s progress. I felt rested, had some coffee, and everything was going smoothly. I glanced into the computer room and saw the sunlight bursting through the blinds (I love sunlight; it makes me feel happy!). It was so inviting, so I took the bait.

Sitting down to the computer, I opened all the blinds in the room. I had thoughts of productivity, mentally making plans for the day. I thought to myself “today is gonna be good”. My silly dog was running around the room chasing all of the light reflections on the walls. It was annoying, but I didn’t care because I was digging the atmosphere.

I began to go through my calendar, making updates as necessary. I was looking for some information I know I had already stored. As I searched back, I saw some stuff that never got deleted. I decided to clean things up a bit in the effort to save space on my phone. I scrolled further back to try and start at the beginning. As I went through the old appointments and notes, I inadvertently stepped into a past world.

Some of the items brought a smile to my face. My brain was eager to stroll down memory lane as I was reminded of the time when my daughter was born. Some of the items were surprising. I had forgotten (blocked out?) some of the details of one of the most tumultuous years of my life. I shook my head as I thought “I’m glad all that is over with”. I marveled at the fact I had made it through so much, and was shocked that just a handful of years could feel like a lifetime ago.

Suddenly, one of the dogs barked at something they saw outside the window next to me. (I have a Great Dane. She’s LOUD!) I was so lost in thought, and the house was so quiet. The noise scared the shit out of me and, like a bolt of lightening, I was instantly enraged. I began irrationally screaming at the dogs to leave the room, and the next thing I know I am sobbing on my desk. Wtf?!?

It was like one of those slow-mo moments in a movie, or an out of body experience. In the back of my head, I knew the situation didn’t warrant that kind of reaction. While it was happening, I was even thinking “This is crazy. I’m acting crazy.” But that didn’t stop me from screaming. I felt like I was watching myself from afar.

I guess I was really reacting to the emotional stuff I was looking through. But I didn’t realize that at the time. I didn’t feel the shift in my mood as I was reading. I had no warning of what was coming. One moment I’m sitting there calmly (and trying to be positive, don’t forget). And the next, I’m overcome with… everything. All the bad memories that accompanied my tumultuous year came flooding back. All the bad feelings. All the hurt and regret.

The subconscious is a sneaky bastard. Always working behind the scenes… jerking the puppet strings at will. Fuck you, subconscious.

Now, as I look around the room (back in the present), everything seems a little dimmer. A little lonelier. My enthusiasm has been completely dashed. I don’t know how to recapture it. I’m left with the remnants of sadness and uneasiness. I feel empty. It’s not even 9am.

The day started out with so much promise. My actions were so innocent… I couldn’t have foreseen the downfall of looking through a stupid calendar. Nothing is safe.

Excuse me while I go attempt to salvage my day. And by salvage, I mean escape.



Can you relate?


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