Holidays can be really hard when you suffer from depression. The expectations, the “forced” gatherings, the millions of triggered thoughts that go along with it… It’s easy for us to get lost in our thoughts and find new reasons to mentally beat ourselves up.
However, I’m happy to report that I made it out alive! The negative thoughts were there, but the good overpowered them in the end.
My daughter was super-sweet. She drew me a card and gave me gifts that she made at school. I was able to go to a nice brunch with my parents. My step-kids had gifts for me when I got home. My husband even did some housework for me, and made a point to give me extra hugs! And I swear my pets knew something was up, because they all seemed a little more lovey that day. =) I was also able to face time my brother from overseas; he’s always so thoughtful.
My anxiety was boiling up before the brunch. I don’t usually wear dresses and I was feeling super self-conscious about it. I couldn’t even wear a shoe that matched because of being on crutches; all my nicer shoes had heels which just seemed like a bad idea. I was starting to panic about having to cross the dining room on crutches with everybody staring at me (a shy, introvert’s nightmare!), not to mention getting a plate of food! As we headed out, all I wanted to do was to get the morning over with.
Upon returning from brunch, the step-kids were back home from grandmas house. I never know what to expect from the moody teens so I just wanted to go hide in my bedroom. There were colorful packages sitting on the counter, but I brushed past them pretending not to see. I felt really awkward about receiving gifts from them on Mother’s Day. I’m not their mom. And I felt even worse that they didn’t send anything to theirs (totally their choice). I was worried they felt obligated in some way, and I didn’t want them to feel pressured.
After recent weeks of feeling really unappreciated, the bad thoughts started to swarm. I told myself they only got me something because their grandma had pushed them to. I told myself that nobody really cared. The days leading up to the holiday I had told myself that my forgetful husband wouldn’t even pay attention to the holiday because he was preoccupied with the trip he was on all last week. I didn’t have high expectations for this day.
Overall, the day turned out well. I counted my blessings and was thankful for the love from my family. As you can see, even a good day doesn’t go by without a million mini-battles (I didn’t even mention all of them!). Depression is a fight. Every. Single. Day. I don’t know how the good managed to come out on top this time. I’m just glad it did.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms that are fighting to get through the day! I hope you found at least a tiny bit of peace. 💝